To be less conflicted with others, be less
conflicted within yourself
When
we experience conflict with or ill will toward another person it's obvious
that there’s something about them that causes us pain or discomfort. But
it’s less obvious that it's the feelings that arise within us that are
key; when we have hateful or critical thoughts we’re reacting not directly
to another person, but to our own pain.
Our
ill will toward another person is really an inability to deal with
feelings within
ourselves that we find uncomfortable.
The
purpose of hatred is, ultimately, to drive away the supposed source of the
problem: the other person. If we're unpleasant to them, we assume, they'll
go away and leave us alone. But this doesn't work when we're bound to each
other by social ties and we're stuck with those to whom we have feelings of
ill will.
And
ill will does nothing to deal with the real source of the problem — our
inability to accept parts of ourselves that are in pain. Not only that, but
it is itself painful. If we look at our experience when we're full of hate,
we'll see that it's a tight, conflicted, unpleasant state to be in. And
acting based on ill will leads to conflicts that come back to bite us. Ill
will is like a toxic medicine that only makes the disease worse.
Until
we are able to deal skillfully with our own pain, we’ll continue to have
aversion to it, and therefore to others. If, on the other hand, we learn to
accept our own uncomfortable feelings, we’ll no longer need to have hatred.
When
we’re cultivating compassion in meditation, there’s a stage where we call
to mind someone we experience conflict with, or dislike, or feel critical
of. I suggest that as you bring this person to mind, you check in with your
body to see what kind of response you’re having toward them. Often you’ll
find that there’s physical discomfort around the heart or in the solar
plexus. This is the unpleasant feeling that we’re trying to push away. This
is what we need to accept and respond to with compassion.
You
can notice the discomfort, and accept that it’s OK to feel it. You can even
tell yourself, “It’s OK to feel this.”
You
can wish your discomfort well, and give it reassurance: “It’s OK. I’m here
for you. I love you and I want to be happy.”
As
you do this, you may notice that you can bear your discomfort in mind
without ill will arising. However, if critical or hateful thoughts arise,
just turn your attention once more to your actual experience of the body
and to the painful feelings that are arising there. Keep accepting that
it’s OK to have those feelings. Keep offering them reassurance and
compassion.
Once
you’ve done this—and it may only take a few seconds—you’ll find that it’s
easier to turn your attention in a compassionate way to the person you find
difficult. And you may find that you can respond to them in a “cleaner”
way. It may be that there’s something about their behavior that’s not
working for you in the long term. Maybe you need to ask them to look at
this and ask them to change. But now you can do so with less of an “edge,”
and in a way that’s more empathetic and that takes into account both your
feelings and theirs.
With
love,
Bodhipaksa
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