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Most
of our suffering is self-inflicted.
When
we call to mind some resentment from the past, we often assume that it's
the other person who's making us suffer. And perhaps they did hurt us at
some point. But unless they're still in our lives doing the same thing
that hurt us before, right
now it's our own thought processes that are causing us pain.
There's
a 6th century text by a monk called Buddhaghosa, "The Path of
Purification," that discusses reflecting on this as a way of getting
rid of resentment.
He
suggests asking why, if another person has hurt us, should we then hurt
ourselves?
So
when resentful thoughts come into the mind, we can be aware that we're
causing ourselves pain. Now our problem with the other person is that
they caused us pain, and here we are doing the same thing to ourselves!
Reflecting
this way is probably not going to stop the whole process of resentment
straight away. But it lessens the stream of resentful thoughts enough
that we can start to think straight again.
Implicit
in the practice that Buddhaghosa is suggesting is that we become aware of
the way that feelings and thoughts affect each other. When we have
resentful thoughts, this triggers feelings of pain, hurt, anxiety, etc.
And those feelings in turn trigger further resentful thoughts. So our
resentment becomes cyclical, which is one reason it becomes such a
problem for us.
The
Buddha talked about this in terms of two arrows. He said that being hurt
is like being shot by an arrow. That's obviously painful, but the stream
of thoughts that springs up in reaction to our pain hurts us even more.
He said that it's like being shot by yet another arrow. Actually, each
thought is an arrow. And because we can have a thousand resentful
thoughts in reaction to being hurt, we often fire many more arrows at
ourselves than the other person ever did.
Buddhaghosa
offers some other reflections as well. He points out that in your life
you’ve had to give up many things that brought you happiness. So why, he
says, should we not walk away from resentment, which makes you miserable?
He
also suggests that if another person has done something we disapprove of,
then we should reflect on why we are doing something (like getting angry
and resentful) that we would also disapprove of them doing? We should
hold ourselves to the same standard we hold other people to. He's
suggesting that we practice integrity.
Buddhaghosa
further points out that if someone wants to hurt you, why give them
satisfaction by joining in? You may make the other person suffer with
your anger. Then again you may not. But you’ll definitely hurt
yourself.
These
are all just ways of tapping the brakes.
I
find that a very useful and important practice is to notice where
thoughts appear to come from, which you'll probably find is up in your
head, and where feelings arise, which is probably down in the body,
mainly around the heart and the gut.
Once
you're aware of this separation, you can more easily see the dynamic
that's in operation between those two parts of our being. You can see how
a thought affects how you feel — for example causing you to be afraid or
feel hurt or despondent — and how those feelings can affect how you think
— provoking you to have further resentful thoughts.
When
we do this we can start to see the whole cycle in operation.
Now
lovingkindness practice is very important here, because we can find ourselves
becoming aware of the cycle of resentment, and start criticizing
ourselves. In practicing lovingkindness, however, we're learning how to
be more supportive, gentle, and understanding toward ourselves. So we can
recognize that we've been caught up in a cycle of resentment. We can
recognize the pain of knowing that we cause ourselves suffering. And we
can offer ourselves kindness: "May I be well. May I be at ease. May
I be free from suffering."
None
of these practices I've mentioned is a quick fix, but they help us to
soften around our resentment, and this in turn helps us to let go and be
at peace.
With
love,
Bodhipaksa
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