To be a better person, stop trying to be a
good person
Recently
I’ve been realizing just how unhelpful it is to want to see yourself as a
good person.
That
might seem odd, since you might think that of course we’d
want to see ourselves as good people, so let me explain the problem I
see.
If
you think of yourself as a good person, what happens when someone points
out that you’ve done something that’s kinda crappy — such as being
dishonest about something or having been inconsiderate? It’s important
for you to see yourself as a good person, and so you defend yourself.
Maybe you even attack or undermine the other person. You want to preserve
your view of yourself, because thinking of yourself as “good” is
important to you.
This
is something I’ve observed in myself. My partner would point out that I’d
said something that was, in some minor way, untrue, and I’d deny it. I’d
twist what I’d said to try to make it seem true, or say I’d meant
something else. In not wanting to let go of my belief in myself as a good
person, I slipped further away from being a good person.
A
friend was having problems with her boss overruling her expertise on
important matters and refusing to give the reasoning behind her decision,
other than saying “It’s what I’ve decided.” This was, as you might
imagine, undermining. And when she challenged her boss on this all she
got was evasion or blame. The boss wanted to convince her that she hadn’t
done anything wrong. In fact I think she wanted to convince herself that
she hadn’t done anything wrong. Again, in trying to maintain her status
as a good person, she behaved like a person who wasn’t good.
Lots
of people think of themselves as good, even as they do awful things. They
minimize the harm they cause: It
wasn’t such a big deal. They deny they’ve even caused harm,
even when they’ve committed extreme acts, such as theft, or even sexual
abuse or violence against loved ones. The other person deserved it, wanted it. I
can’t help thinking that the belief that they are a good person actual
enables them to do these things: “I’m a good person, so the things I do
can’t be that bad.”
The
alternative is not to think you’re a bad person. That’s just as
unhelpful.
The
alternative is not
to think of yourself as any kind of person at all! This is in
fact something that the Buddha taught. He said that there was no view of
ourselves we can have that isn’t a source of suffering. And by “view” he
meant a fixed belief. When a fixed belief about ourselves is challenged,
we feel defensive. The reason we were clinging in the first place was to
provide a sense of stability and security: I know what I am. I’m a good
person.
Not
thinking of yourself as good or bad doesn’t leave us in a moral vacuum,
unable to decide how to act. In fact it liberates us.
We
can see ourselves in two ways:
First,
we’re a mixture of good and bad tendencies and qualities (although
Buddhism tends to talk in terms of “skillful” and “unskillful” tendencies
and qualities). There is no one quality, good or bad, that defines who we
are. We’re a mixture, and the composition of that mixture changes, moment
by moment. We’re indefinable.
Second,
we can, if we so choose, have sense of moral direction. If we have a
clear idea of the kind of person we want to be, and the kinds of personal
qualities we want to embody, and if we commit to that, then that becomes
our focus. We see ourselves as works in progress, working to let go of
tendencies that harm ourselves and others, and to strengthen and develop
qualities that bring benefits instead. Arriving at the goal isn’t the
important thing; it’s that we have a goal and are working toward it.
Instead
of trying to be a good person, aim to do good.
This
may not seem like much of a shift, but it is. We’re not thinking of
ourselves in fixed terms. Rather than seeing ourselves as being static
we’re seeing ourselves as dynamic, ever-changing, and responsible for our
own ethical destinies.
I’ve
found it liberating to be challenged to look at myself more closely and
to realize that I’d been slipping into wanting to see myself as good.
That’s not helpful. In truth I’m not good. I’m not bad. I’m evolving. And
that’s a liberating thing to remember.
With
love,
Bodhipaksa
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